So Lost..

2009-10-12T23:59:00.002+08:00

after being a loyal user of blogger for 5 years,
i've decided to move.

so here it is -
http://notyourmissordindary.wordpress.com

wouldn't be deleting this blog though;
it'll be nice to look back -
5 years worth of memories.

2009-08-25T20:46:00.002+08:00

i'm totally becoming a bookworm;
completely obsessed with the 'house of night' series!
if it wasnt for the research for mr that needs to be done,
i could have lived without having to switch on my laptop for the entire night.
i would actually preferred to be curled up in my bed starting on the third book instead.
well, shall just get the research over and done with;
quickly.

but before i start on my work proper,
i just really feel the need to rant (its gonna be pure randomness) -
can't believe zoey is cheating on erik!
he's like so totally sweet to her!
and i can picture how charming and hot he actually looks (though that's completely up to my imagination, so very subjective)!
though i can completely understand the part about heath;
i would be touched if i was zoey too!
but loren just feels damn dubious to me;
like he has some motives hidden up his sleeves!
tsk.

in case you all havent realise,
and start bombarding me to provide juicy gossip about zoey, erik, heath and loren;
they're characters from the series of books that jolynn the bookworm is totally absorbed into.
but if you're still interested in their complicated relationship,
i would gladly fill you in when i complete the series.

p.s. i did make a pre-statement about the randomness,
so dont complain that i didnt warn you!

Obsession.

2009-08-20T02:38:00.001+08:00

its been 2 hours since i "declared" that i'm going to bed.
but till now,
i'm still wide awake sitting in front on my laptop;
can't sleep at all.
and till now,
my phone have yet to make a sound;
i'm still waiting.

i shouldn't have gave in to the tears,
cause now they just wouldn't stop.

If Only Nothing Matters.

2009-08-20T00:09:00.000+08:00

finally back after such a long period of silence;
even my tag board has expired. :\
but i've put up a brand new one;
though i don't know why i bothered to,
cause no one prolly visits this place anymore.
*shrugs*

i feel myself shunning away;
away from my friends.
not in a physical manner,
but more like emotionally.
and i don't know why.
i mask my unhappiness in front of them,
restrict myself from confiding in them,
and turn away from their concern.
when what i really want to,
is to pour my heart out to them,
and get them to give me a big big hug;
the way i always do.
yet, i just can't do it.
i really don't know why.

"i tried so hard to hold back my tears;
just to prove that i'm not always the loser.
and yes,
i did manage to secure those tears at the corner of my eyes.
but still came to realise eventually,
that i've still been defeated hands down.

cause i can't stop the heart from aching,
can't stop the brain from missing you,
and i can't stop the hands from constantly checking my phone for your sms.
most importantly,
i can't stop myself from loving you.

i'm the loser;
the ultimate loser."

Cry No More.

2009-06-19T03:44:00.002+08:00

"regrets filled me the moment i got down the car.
i wanted so bad to hug you and kiss you goodbye,
the way i always do.
i wanted so bad to tell you to drive safely,
like i always will.
but my pride got the better hand,
and the best i could do,
was merely whisper a word 'bye'.

it hurts,
and i know you know it;
but your ego made you turn a blind eye to it.

i don't know where things are gonna go from here,
i just wish it's not downhill.
cause i don't believe in that damn curse,
and i'm sure we'll break it together.

all i know is that;
baby, i wanna be perfect in your eyes,
i really do;
in every way that i can be.
i'm trying;
but maybe not hard enough.
i'll try harder.

i love you."

i just wanna disappear.

With Tears Reflected in the Eyes.

2009-06-17T23:26:00.002+08:00

seriously;
i feel like a lousy girlfriend.
:[

"but on the other hand,
i can't tell you how shocked and touched i was;
at how much you can remember.
no matter how long ago,
or how minor those things were,
you remembered.

i guess sometimes i'm just too full of myself,
to see how much you treasured this relationship as well.
i'm sorry baby.

i promise i'll try harder."

To Be With You.

2009-06-13T01:48:00.001+08:00

i detest the word - waiting.
but even more, i detest the feeling of it.

Down.

2009-05-13T01:15:00.004+08:00

my birthday wishlist!

- iphone!

- gucci bag!

- gucci wallet!

- kate spade bag!

(i love the one in brown too!)

- kate spade wallet!

(i love the one is brown too!)

p.s. i know all these stuffs are like way way beyond budget. so it's totally okay to get me taka vouchers as an alternative. i can like gather all the vouchers and buy one of these. :] thankyou in advance! :]

seriously, i feel damn thick skinned doing this.
and it kinda gets me thinking;
what happened to 'it's the thought that counts'?
:\

2009-05-13T00:22:00.002+08:00

"just a simple 'love you',
and you blew all my unhappiness away.

you;
my motivation to move on."

It's Always You.

2009-05-11T01:27:00.001+08:00

"i wish i was as important to you sometimes.

i can't deny,
you're like your dad in so many ways."

sigh.

Go Away.

2009-05-11T01:15:00.000+08:00

apparently some photos which i took together with the sunshine gang at sentosa about a year ago were posted on some indecent website.
:\
i don't know the webbie;
i didn't get to see it for myself, i was told of this matter.

these pictures were uploaded on our facebooks,
so i believed whoever did that must have got the pictures from there.
especially the girls,
be extremely careful when you upload your pictures on facebook;
at the least, limit the viewing of your albums to your friends only.

seriously, screw that bastard who did that!
I CURSE THAT YOUR PRIVATE AREA ROTS!

Hoping for Things to Turn Around.

2009-04-03T02:38:00.002+08:00

i don't understand.
why can't the both of you have some confidence in me?!
i admit i'm not skillful in driving,
but that's because i haven't got much of a chance to practice!
it's so unfair to judge me like that!
and now that i have a chance to brush up on my driving skills,
the both of you just wouldn't stop wishing that i wouldn't drive,
and consistently nags at me to return the car.
why?!
because all the both of you are worried about is me damaging the precious new car!
fck!

all i asked for is a little bit of encouragement.
is that too much to ask?

"baby, i miss you. :["

The Left Behind.

2009-04-01T22:04:00.001+08:00

finally, all down.
can't believe i actually survived through the six weeks non-stop marathon of projects and tests.
i don't know about the outcomes,
neither do i wanna worry about it now,
just wanna take a well deserved break.

too many bad experiences with projects this semester,
i seriously don't wanna be put through the same thing over again for the next two semesters.
"i thought the actions were bad enough,
i can't believe that the words were so much worse.

if our friendship is worth less than grades are to you,
i don't know why i even bothered in the first place.

for the very first time,
you make me feel so damn disappointed.
but it'll prolly be the last as well,
cause i don't know if i can ever convince myself to trust you again."

on a happier note,
i'm just three days away from phuket!
seriously can't wait!
:D

to bbf -
"HAPPY 39 MONTHSARY BABY!
loves.
:D"

Flooded.

2009-03-25T22:07:00.001+08:00

i'm tired of having to be the clown all the time.

Give It Up.

2009-03-24T11:56:00.003+08:00

i'm surrounded by show-offs in class!
all surfing the net from their phones through wireless!
e71, e63 and iphones!
irritating!
totally hate you people!

i'm feeling psychologically imbalance now!
i wanna get a new phone too!
and it's not just gonna be any new phone,
but one that has wi-fi!
you all just wait and see!

raaawrr!

2009-03-24T10:58:00.003+08:00

having ot class now,
blogging through waifong's new baby - e71.
:X

sherman is driving me crazy seriously;
special consideration, special consideration, special consideration.
fck it la!

rraaaawwwrrr!

2009-03-20T02:38:00.001+08:00

people change,
because humans are selfish creatures.

and it's exactly because of the rate that people around me are changing,
i find myself being more and more afraid.
to the point that i wish someday i'll no longer needa depend on anyone,
no one by myself.
so that when they eventually leave my side one after another,
i'll be completely numb;
no feelings of sadness, emptiness, loneliness or afraid,
not at all.

it has been a long time since i felt so insecured,
and one of the rare times due to reasons other than boy-girl relationship.

I Reach Out For You, But You're Not There.

2009-03-18T02:11:00.000+08:00

in life, we are forced to go through loads and loads of difficulties;
no matter how much you hate them,
no matter how much you try to avoid.

but looking back,
it's all these challenges in life that have made me grow up.

"after all these years,
i eventually came to know that it's you i wanna spend forever with.

people might say it's too early to tell,
that i still have a long way ahead,
but i'm prettay certain i made the right choice.
and as such,
i'm a super duper happy girl now!
:]

i love you baby!"

oh yah,
just something really random,
but if i ever had a choice,
i'll choose to be a pusher.
haha!

With Every Loss, Comes A Gain.

2009-03-17T01:51:00.002+08:00

one thing i absolutely hate,
is to be taken advantage of.

if you think i don't have a temper,
you're welcome to try pushing your fcking luck a little further.

The Kindness That Doesn't Pay.

2009-03-15T03:56:00.000+08:00

had to deal with some really unpleasent issues these few days,
i really need some time to get over.
"i find it so hard to put everything behind me, i don't if i can ever do it. but for you, i promise i'll try real hard, cause i just want you to be happy."

clubbing with darling didn't happen,
so now i'm officially club dreprived!
:[

but something made up ~~a little~~ a lot for all these unhappiness -
my phuket trip with bbf is confirmed!
so...
PHUKET HERE WE COME!
:D

waiting up for bbf,
but i'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open!

The Air I Breathe.

2009-03-11T20:50:00.003+08:00

"darling!
i coincidentally linked to the same personality test you took from someone's blog almost like right after i saw it on your blog!
haha!
:]"

Your view on yourself:

You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education:

You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you:

You have many goals and want to achieve as much as you can. The jobs you enjoy are those that let you burn off your considerable excess energy.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

prettay true isn't it?

2009-03-11T18:16:00.000+08:00

it's prettay upsetting,
when you realise that you and some of your friends are starting to drift apart.
best friends, girlfriends, sisters, classmates and team mates;
the people who really cared about you,
the people who really matters to you.

i always believe that it takes two hands to clap.
i can be diffcult at sometimes,
and people just eventually gave up trying.
but the table turn around sometimes;
some people just couldn't be bothered,
and so i tell myself not to be bothered by it as well.

but ultimately,
i still can't help wondering if they're doing okay.
cause i still wish i could be there for them,
cause i know how horrible it feels to be alone,
yet, it's always so hard to take e first step.

-------------------------

caught watchmen with bbf yesterday;

it seriously sucks, so don't watch it.

headed to carnivore at vivocity for dinner with sis and bro-in-law in the evening;

it was good,

like finally gotta try it!

bbf had a hard time clearing his plate stacked with meat though.

LOL!

hoping to hit the club with darling this fri!

super looking forward!

so hopefully it'll happen!

something else that i'm looking forward to -

phuket trip with bbf!

though it's not confirmed yet,

but i guess there's a high chance of it happening!

i'm keeping my fingers crossed!

La Raison Pour Laquelle Je Respire; Tu.

2009-03-03T21:07:00.000+08:00

my medicine are as many and as big as the fishballs in a bowl of fishball soups!
the part about being as many is true,
though e part about being as big is obviously exaggerating.
i'm just being whiny about having to eat medicine.

i miss bbf so much.
hate having to nurse a sickness without having him around.
:[
"baby, can you come back now?"

Foolish Games.

2009-02-28T14:25:00.002+08:00

because i wish i was so much more important to you,
so i can't stop the tears.

it's tiring to hafta be your superwoman all the time.

Foolish.

2009-02-26T01:18:00.002+08:00

please don't let anything happen to her,
please.

i would do anything,
anything just to trade places.

pray for me.

Breathe Slow.

2009-02-23T22:23:00.002+08:00

i'm upset;
stupid expectations.

but still,
i can't deny;
"i miss you,
the you a very long time ago."

i desperately needa club.
i desperatey needa getaway.

It's Because I Love You.

2009-02-18T00:25:00.003+08:00

depressed.
wish i can just die now.

"i wanna be a good girlfriend;
not a good girlfriend to just anyone,
but i good girlfriend to you.

still,
i keep failing terribly."

just wanna retreat back into that shell of mine;
where i don't hafta see or talk to anyone.

死结.

2009-02-16T16:00:00.000+08:00

bbf's having his first paper now,
can't help feeling nervous for him too.
but i'm sure after so many days of intensive revision,
he's gonna do just fine.
:]

"good luck and jiayou bbf!
you're gonna make it for sure!
i have confidence in you!
muacks!"

Can't Do Without.

2009-02-15T23:05:00.003+08:00

it's so much worst to have a boyfriend but not being able to have him around with you on valentine's day,
than not having a boyfriend at all to spend valentine's day with.
that prolly sums up my entire valentine's day,
and explains why it was the worst i ever had.
:[

but bbf isn't like completely to blame,
though it's still partly his fault.
"but for the sweetest valentine's day message which i got, you're forgiven. i love you. :]"

my day could have been much worse if it wasn't for darling;
who cancelled her date just to keep me company.

that's why i totally love her to bits.
"thankyou darling! :]"

Through The Good And Bad.

2009-02-12T04:00:00.001+08:00

life's kinda crapped up for me at this juncture.

school's totally hectic.
starting from the following week,
i have like mid-term tests or assignments due or both,
every other week for consecutively 6 weeks.

to make things worse,
mid-term tests are no longer like easy peasy 1 hour mcq papers;
they are like 3 hours long exam format papers with weightage equivalent to final exams.
and assignments are like either case studies;
which i completely not understand even after reading through them 3 times,
or like few thousand words report;
which you hafta include at least 10 references with loads of restrictions on the kinda resources that can be classified as references.

oh yah,
and did i mention that my organisational theory lecturer is like a complete psychopathic baldy?

things at home ain't looking too good as well;
between my parents and me.
they're like super unreasonable!

faced with all the stressed in school,
i just wanna be able to hang out with my friends;
have fun and de-stress.
though it's true that i usually hang out till late,
but it's not as though i'm letting these late nights affect my studies;
i attend all my lessons and i don't sleep during classes,
i prepare for all my tests and hand up my projects on time,
i don't let my grades slip.

it's not as if i'm hanging out with indecent friends at indecent places as well;
i'm usually with the shang gang who they have mostly met or hear me talked about,
and we usually just go out for movies, suppers or games.
the reason why we hafta hang out at night is because we all have our own commitments during the day;
either with work or with school.

but they just don't seems to understand!
they scold me for coming back late every day,
when i don't go out every day.
they tell me to be more mature in my behaviour as i get older,
when i feel that i'm old enough to know and be responsible for what i'm doing.
and remind me not to waste their hard earned money which they pay my school fees with,
as if me graduating with a degree is only important to them than to me.

i can bet with my life that they won't nag at me to go out if i stayed home the entire week,
yet i hear them nagging so much when i'm out,
and it's not even every day!

they just don't realise that by doing what they're doing,
they're just making me wanna stay away from home more than usual.
cause the more i am restricted,
the more i'll try to break free.
this is just the way i am.

there's like loads of personal things bothering me too.
not in terms of my relationship,
cause douglas has been treating me prettay well.

just like ~~today~~ yesterday,
after like an extremely long day of revision in school;
i bet he's already like super tired,
and he could have just gone home and rest,
but yet he headed down to tingsin's shop just to be with me.

knowing all the horrible things that i'm going through,
he put up with all my cranky-ness,
and tries to be there as much as he can;
keeping me company when time allows,
encouraging me when i feel deflated,
wiping off my tears when i start to cry,
and advising me when i'm completely lost.

though there are times that i still complain about him,
but i know sometimes it's like not his fault,
cause most guys are borned blind to small details that we girls find really important.
furthermore,
i know he's trying really hard.
and for this,
i'm officially promoting him from MLBF (my lousy boyfriend) to BBF (best boyfriend).
so to BBF -
"thankyou, for simply just being part of my life. i love you.'

back to the personal problems that i'm facing,
it's mostly about friends.

not that i'm having conflicts with any of them,
just that some friends have been falling sick very often lately,
some facing relationship problems,
and some just simply refuse to tell me what's bothering them.
and all these,
makes me really worried.
so to all my darlings -
"you are all really important to me. and it makes me worried and upset to see you all like that, not knowing what i can do to help as well. so please, at the very least, let me be there as much as i can. there's no such things as 'now that you're attached, i really don't wanna be bothering you.' i'll be like really disappointed to hear this cause it only reflects what kinda a friend i am in your eyes. please promise to take really good care of yourselves as well. i'm really sorry if i haven been a good enough friend."

i just want everyone to be happy.

Heartfelt.

2009-02-09T03:04:00.000+08:00

'but i needed you just as much.', i wanted to reply.
but as always,
i paused, and swallowed it all back.

i know it's ridiculous and selfish.
but yes,
i'm crying;
real hard.

i wish i was less vulnerable.
i wish i was less emotional.
"that's you.", you said.
but do you like the me like this?

Don't Want To.

2009-02-01T09:32:00.002+08:00

it's already like the past, and i know i shouldn't be;
but still, i'm jealous.
:[

"happy 37 months anniversary my dear.
love you."

Crazy Over You.

2009-01-13T22:53:00.001+08:00

i fainted during a blood donation!
gosh, i'm prolly like the most loser blood donor ever!
:\

the entire experience was prettay scary actually.
everything was like fine for one moment.
and the next moment,
i totally went strengthless with small black cubes invading my vision and eventually overwhelming it,
and i went unconcious.
waifong said my head was like drooping off my shoulders,
but i couldn't remember or feel anything from then on,
and when i regain consciousness,
i could feel was many pairs of hands touching me all over and many different voices asking me if i was okay.
:\

through this experience,
i realised another difference between a man and a woman.
imagine a scenario like that...

man: i fainted during a blood donation.
woman: gosh! are you alright? feeling better already? drink more water okay? dun walk around too much also, get more rest. take care kay?

but when there's a reversal of roles...

woman: i fainted during a blood donation.
man: lol. who ask you to go donate blood.

i seriously don't know to laugh or to cry.
:\

Unsaid.

2009-01-12T01:37:00.003+08:00

superwoman.
miss independent.
it's hard.

i just gotta breathe,
and everything's gonna be alright.

You Can.

2009-01-11T02:30:00.000+08:00

a good news to share with everyone,
though most have already know.
but at least now i can officially announce -
I'M BACK WITH MLBF!
:D

it's been like almost 6 months of hell for me;
i've obviously lost a lot.
but at the same time,
i can't deny that i've gained and learnt a lot too.

but whatever it is,
i know i prolly wouldn't have made it through without people around me who cared,
both my families and friends;
you know who you are.
"so thanks a million to all of you -
thankyou for being there;
lending a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on, cheering me up, encouraging me, advising me, talking sense into me, worrying about me and taking care of me.
thankyou for being so patient with me;
despite having to listen to the same things over and over again and despite my stubborn and crazy fits.
thankyou for believing;
believing that i'll one day "recover" and that my rainbow will appear once again.
i really don't know how i can ever thank you all enough."

there's another person that i've gotta like thank personally;
so to MLBF -
"baby.
thanks for being willing to give this relationship another shot;
really, i couldn't be happier.

after being away from each other for almost 6 months,
i guess we both grew and learnt a lot.
but at the same time,
after being away from each other for almost 6 months,
everything seems new all over again,
and some things don't seems to be the same anymore.
but i promise i'll try hard to make things work,
and i know you've been putting in a lotta effort as well,
thankyou, i really appreciate it!

so that officially makes you no longer my ~~lousy~~ boyfriend (MLBF),
but since i've already gotten so used to this term,
i'm sure you won't mind that i continue to use it right?
at least until i come up with a better term okay?
:]

i really want you to be happy,
so much more than anything else.
and i really wish that i'll be the reason for your happiness;
once again.

i love you."

010106 - 030807
091007 - 150708
291208 - forever

i know 'forever' seems really childish,
but i'll really never ever want 'forever' to be replaced by any dates.
and i'm sure that will never ever happen.
:]

Like A Lullaby.

2008-12-11T21:10:00.001+08:00

it happened again ~~yesterday~~ this morning.
streams of blood, again.
and again, i just stood there, totally helpless,
allowing the warm moisture from my eyes to wet my entire face.

"i'm sorry i couldn't follow through what i said.
but baby,
i'm so scared, i really am.
i considered the option of calling you.
i so desperately wanna hear your comforting voice;
telling me everything's gonna be perfectly fine,
chasing all my fears away.
but i knew it wasn't a good idea,
since it's all none of your business now.

i settled for my bed instead,
somewhere i used to be able to feel your warmth, so strong.
i curled up like a ball,
crying out uncontrollably,
and hugging on tightly to xiao gui zai.
all i could do was to only imagine,
that you were there, right there beside me;
with your hands around me, you'll keep me safe in your arms, providing me with all the warmth that i'll ever need.
then you'll plant a kiss on my head, and whisper 'baby, don't needa be scared. everything's gonna be alright. i promise. i'll be right here with you.'
and that'll be all that i'll ever need.

i'm fucking scared baby.
i miss you so much baby.
i really wish you were here baby.
i really need you here baby."

no matter how much i wanna deny,
i hafta admit that i'm failing physically.
i feel myself slipping as each day pass,
growing weak.

but i know i couldn't allow myself to collaspe,
at least not now.
i just need a bit more time;
even if i hafta stretch myself over limit,
i gotta work through this month,
and earn all the money i can.

all i want is for all my plans to fall into place.
this is all i ask for.
so please don't let me fall.
please, not now.

Blinded.

2008-12-08T22:38:00.000+08:00

sometimes, no matter how much i tell myself not to be affected,
i just can't seems to help it.
seeing how sweet couples behave around me;
of course i feel happy for them,
but at the same time,
they just can't help having these very depressing impact on me.

like seeing boyfriend buy a diamond ring for girlfriend,
i can't help feeling envious.
it's not like i'm a big fan of such femine accessories,
but still, i thought it was a really sweet gesture;
especially when you see how excited boyfriend was the entire time, from planning to buying.

well, i should try to contain my envy,
since i gotta experience a fair share of such sweetness on my 18th birthday -
from SK jewellary, a really special heart-shaped pendant chained by a necklace.
it's a shame i didn't really appreciate back then;
it's not that i didn't like it,
but like i said,
just not a big fan of such stuff.
but it's a totally different story now.
though still not a big fan of such stuff,
but i really learnt to appreciate this very necklace.
it's not because of regret of anything like that,
but because i understand the kinda effort and thought behind this gift;
having a guy have this thought of buying and making the effort to buy such gifts for a girl,
is just like having a girl have a thought of buying and making the effort to buy a watch for a guy.
as simple as it may seems,
it's never as easy as seeing something that catches your eyes and just paying for it.
you'll have to know the particular person's size; of their wrists, fingers or neck.
you'll have to know the particular person well enough to pick out the suitable designs.
you'll have to try to visualise which will be the best design for that particular person.
you'll have to contemplate how the particular person's reaction will be upon receiving it.
trust me, i've been through it.

threw up again this morning,
not like it's anything new,
but streams and streams of blood followed,
the most of whatever that i've seen so far.
totally stunned.
absolutely helpless.
i just stood in the toilet crying for the longest time ever.
i'm scared.

Pouring All The Same.

2008-12-04T03:57:00.000+08:00

just got home from dbl o!
wasn't high on booze at all, though there were loads involved.
dance didn't get me really high either.
but still, i had fun;
though not as fun as hanging out with my usual girlies of course.

broke one of my clubbing rules;
not just once, but quite a few times.
but who cares!
most importantly is that i had fun right?
at least i stuck to my whatever-that-happens-in-the-club-should-just-stay-in-the-club rule.

western families always have their kids hang that kinda christmas socks at their fireplace so parents could leave the presents for their kids in them on christmas eve.
i always wanted to do the same hoping that santa will drop by on christmas eve to leave me a present.
though i don't have a fireplace at home,
but i figured hanging it outside my door is prettay much okay.
the point is, i just can't seems to find a socks big enough for santa to leave what i'm wishing to have for christmas this year.
if you get what i mean.
so totally hate the fact that christmas is approaching.
and that's so totally unlike me.

wish so much to end this post like how i always end all the others previously.
but since i'm really trying to stick to what i've mentioned in the previous post,
so i guess i just hafta keep them all to myself.

I'm Not Your Princess.

2008-12-01T04:51:00.000+08:00

i drink, i smoke, i club.
i laugh, i scream, i cry.
i go high, i go wild, i go crazy.
i hang out, i stay out, i refuse to come home.
i fell out with my sister, i broke my mum's heart, i worry my friends.
i work my ass off, i don't sleep, i don't eat.

but ultimately, what good has all these done to me?
i was never truly happy;
not even for a single day.
still exactly the same way i was 4 and a half months back.

"i realised i was never a good girlfriend.
despite thinking that i gave you the best of me.
despite thinking that i can never ever do the same for any other guy.
i still wasn't good enough.
i'm sorry.

i strayed along the way;
mentally, i admit.
so sorry.
but ultimately, i figured all that wasn't worth risking our relationship for;
so i put an end to everything.
after losing you once, i knew who i wanted to spend forever with;
and from then on, it was only you.

my greatest weakness - emotions.
like you said, too much 'i think' and 'i feel';
i always assumed.
too much effort and love put in;
i was so afraid of losing you.
too little words from you;
it made me felt damn insecured.
and all these,
totally made me lost trust in you, totally made me lost confidence in myself.
so fatal.

baby,
i miss you; truckloads.
i love you; so much more than myself.
but what kinda difference does it make now?
it's impossible to turn back isn't it?
it'll never be the same isn't it?
it's over isn't it?
you prolly had all the answers to all my questions a long time ago;
just don't wanna hurt me further.
thankyou.

i know you loved me;
i felt it.
and again, thankyou.
but it's prolly that, that made it so hard for me to move on.

i hope there's never gonna be another post about you.
i don't know if i can do it, but i'll try;
though i don't wanna promise.
cause i don't wanna end up having you say i always act differently from what i say.

it's time i learn to really leave you alone;
no more seeking your attention, nothing.
it's time i learn that i brought everything upon myself;
unable to move on, unable to stop loving you.
it's all my own problem, nothing to do with you.

it's our monthsery again;
35 months supposingly.
i'm not gonna say 'happy anniversary';
cause it's no longer a special occasion to you,
and i'm not happy at all.
maybe it'll be more appropriate to say 'happy day' to you.
i'll be happy for you,
if you are.
the best i can do for you now.

i still, love you."

i let the tears fall uncontrollably once i board the cab.
had been holding back since i was at taka;
too tiring.
but it haven't stop since.
don't think it'll ever stop tonight.

i just wanna leave,
as soon as i can.

Left.

2008-11-30T02:30:00.000+08:00

invitation to preview party at zirca, new club in town.

i'm not spilling details here.
nana prolly wouldn't want me to.
haha!
but 'fei yu qing' and simpsons were seriously classic!
ROFL!
just wished we could have stayed longer.

"so like you said, we're even!
though i was so much more drank the other time than you were this time round.
but i was so much more helpless this time round than you were the other time!

still, i had loads of fun!
i always do when i hang out with you.
hope you feel the same too!
:]

intern's starting next week for you.
i know you're kinda dreading it.
but be positive alright?
i'll be just a call or message away if things ever get too stressful.

no more hanging out together on weekdays anymore.
i'm so so so gonna miss you.
:[

so here's the sweetest photo to my sweetie.
love you!"

i wish god could just make me disappear from the surface of this earth.
but if that's too much to ask,
i wish he could at least stop december from ever ever ever coming.

i'm going drinking again later;
for the third time this week already.

The Heart That Beats Because Of You.

2008-11-23T23:59:00.000+08:00

the moment i board the bus,
my tears fell like a broken tap.
that kinda heart ache,
that kinda sadness,
that kinda hurt;
simply indescribable.

"i never seems to know what's going through your mind.
i don't wanna be guessing,
i wanna hear it from you.
yet, it seems so impossible.
i'm sorry if i placed you in a difficult position.

ultimately, i know my world can't be only revolving around you.
i needa start making decisions that doesn't include you as a factor of consideration.

and maybe,
only will you able to gain that kinda freedom and happiness that you've always wanted;
with my departure."

i hope i'll be able to move him outta that space in my heart,
and at the same time, let no one else move in.
though i know it's gonna be almost impossible to ever throw him out,
but at the least,
i wish i could lock up that space that he has already occupied,
throw the keys away,
so i'll never have access to that space ever again.

it's time i stop following my heart,
and let my mind take over.
cause my heart is tired,
it needs its rest.

"it's okay sweetie.
you don't hafta be sad.
you don't hafta cry.

it's your own problem you still love him.
it's your own problem you still can't get over.
you can't expect him to be feeling and going through the same.
it's more important that he's happy isn't it?
and you know you'll do whatever just for him to be happy.

so i guess you know what should be done next don't you?
accept that decision that you've been hesitating to make."

it's been a while since i cried like that.

My Only Weakness Is You.

2008-11-22T03:58:00.000+08:00

五月天 - 突然好想你

最怕空氣突然安靜最怕朋友突然的關心
最怕回憶突然翻滾絞痛著不平息
最怕突然聽到你的消息

想念如果會有聲音不願那是悲傷的哭泣
事到如今終於讓自已屬於我自已
只剩眼淚還騙不過自己

突然好想你你會在哪裡
過的快樂或委屈
突然好想你突然鋒利的回憶
突然模糊的眼睛

我們像一首最美麗的歌曲變成兩部悲傷的電影
為什麽你帶我走過最難忘的旅行然
後留下最痛的紀念品

我們那麽甜那麽美那麽相信
那麽瘋那麽熱烈的曾經
為何我們還是要奔曏各自的幸福和遺憾中老去

突然好想你你會在哪裡
過的快樂或委屈
突然好想你突然鋒利的回憶
突然模糊的眼睛

最怕空氣突然安靜最怕朋友突然的關心
最怕回憶突然翻滾絞痛著不平息
最怕突然聽到你的消息

最怕此生已經決心自己過沒有你
卻又突然聽到你的消息

"baby,
i really really really miss you loads."

Night Like This.

2008-11-20T02:26:00.000+08:00

enough is enough.

everyone has their limit of being nice to others,
and i think i've reached mine.

i'm the type of person who will do anything for you,
if i really consider you as my friend.
i'm not trying to imply that i'm a very good friend.
but maybe because i'm emotional,
so i tend to put in a lot into relationships;
be it love or friendship.
i choose to be sincere,
not because i want to be treated nicely in return.
i just want to be treated back with the same kinda sincerity.

"i've always considered you as a very good friend, like a brother.
but ask yourself honestly,
what about you?

i know i didn't really help you solve any problem in this entire situation,
but i really tried my best to help, to contribute.
yet in the end,
i feel as though i'm being made used of, i feel like a fool.

recently,
you were never there when i needed someone.
maybe it's my fault that i've never took the initiative to contact you,
but it's precisely because i know and experienced how things will turn out to be,
that's why i chose not to approach you.

when i wanted you to hear me out,
you'll just simply try to shake me off by entertaining me with one or two sentences,
then quickly go back to talk about your own stuff.

when i needed your consolation,
all you did was to rub it in more.

when you knew how bad a particular thing affect me,
you had to betray my trust, and make the possibility of it happening higher.

i'm no fool.
i have feelings too.
i just choose not to show,
i just choose to keep mum about all these issues.
because i treasured this friendship,
i've always given you the benefit of the doubt.
but it seems to have come to a point that i can no longer come up with any excuses for you to deceive myself.
no point pinning so much hope that you'll change.

so these few things that i've promised to help you get done,
are gonna be the last that i'll be doing for you.
no more.
unless you can prove to me;
that everything i said was wrong.

unless you really set your mind on changing,
or else, don't come asking me why people are shunning away from you.

i remember,
that you were never this way in the past."

why do people around me nowsaday always make me question myself -
wheather the person i used to know, is the real them?
or was it that i've never known them well enough?

Est Cela Trop Pour Demander.

2008-11-18T23:45:00.000+08:00

friends, feels to me like a word as complicated as love.
without them, i'm at a complete loss.
yet with them, i'm always filled with doubts;
never know who are those who are here to stay,
never know who are those who will abandon and leave me behind.

i really need someone to be here.
someone who will lend me a shoulder, to lean on.
someone who will let me cry for all i want, without telling me i hafta be strong.
someone who will hear me say the same things over and over again, yet not find me a nuisance.
someone who will allow me to scream out loud, without feeling a tinny winny bit of embarassment.
but no matter how hard i try to look,
i can't seems to find this someone.

yes, they will never ever mind to go out and have fun with you,
but when it comes to the serious stuff,
nobody seems to be bothered with what you're going through.
every time you try to say something,
they always seems to have their own pieces to say.
and after you're done with listening,
they forget that you want to be heard too.

i'm not blaming anyone.
cause i'm sure even i myself is such a "friend" in the eyes of some people.
and i should prolly reflect on myself before i start pointing fingers at somebody else.
no longer able to commit my heart and soul into anyone anymore,
and being so afraid to trouble people.
maybe the problem lies with me, and not anyone else.

so wanna spend a night by the beach.

attacked very badly by asthma these few days.
it has come to the point that i'm using my inhaler at least 3 times a day.
and i don't know how i could possibly forget something that i'm like depending my life on now;
i headed home from work, leaving my inhaler at the counter!
was seriously having a very hard time breathing on the bus ride back.
i had to walk like super slow back home after getting off the bus to make sure my breathing could keep up.
but i still managed to get home, with trembling hands though.
the gastric pain refuse to go easy on me either.
and it definitely doesn't help with non-stop working.

did i mention i think i injured my left elbow?
cause it hurts like shyt.

"and i feel like shyt now too,
cause i miss you so bad.

do you know how much effort i needa put in,
everytime i see you?
to suppress the urge of wanting to scream out so damn loud -
"baby, i love you!"
to control the desire to wanna hug you so tight.
to hold back the tears.
to pretend that i'm all fine.

but still,
no matter how much more i needa put in just to see you,
i know i'll still willingly do so.

i had prolly asked myself a million times too;
why am i so damn silly?

they all say it's time to forget.
is it really wrong to love you?
then why am i punished with tears?"

nothing seems to be making sense.
i just wanna rant.

to hell with everything!

Moments.

2008-11-06T00:12:00.004+08:00

'one day i'll wake up,
and it won't hurt anymore.'
please let it be this way.
please let it happen soon.

i wear a mask to face each day;
and today,
i have on my i-am-trying-real-hard-but-yet-i-still-fail-so-bad mask.
i'm sorry.

"i just can't seems to do anything right;
when you're not right here beside me.
i feel so fcking useless.

forgive me,
but i really needa scream -
baby,
i miss you;
so so so bad.

baby,
come back to me.
stay right here by my side,
and say you'll never leave again.

i'm sorry."

想念你最好的方式;　
偶尔哭红双眼.

No One Can Fill.

2008-11-02T04:00:00.000+08:00

was at the airport ~~this~~ yesterday morning,
sending my sis and her family off to hongkong.
with every ounce of strength left in me,
i was trying real hard,
to fight off the lingering memories there;
of me sending him off to japan.

memory is a funny thing.
when i was in the scene,
i hardly paid any attention to it.
never stopped to think that it'll make a lasting impression.

going to places with memories is,
painful yet relieving.
it hurts to see that the place's still the same,
yet as clear as my memory may be,
we are no longer in it.
everything that seemed so happy back then,
the world i had then,
the us then,
were all gone.

and in the face of these lost happiness and happy reminiscent,
i vacillate between despair and hope.
it's really confusing,
not to mention,
mind-taxing.

"if only i could easily convince myself,
that you're off on another holiday to japan.
just that this time round,
you'll be away for a longer period,
just that this time round,
you might never come back again.

it's one day late.
not because i've forgotten,
but i'm forcing myself not to remember.
still,
i lost the battle within;
to suppress the desire of still being able to tell you -
happy 34th monthsary my love."

despite the less than 2 hours of sleep last night,
and being exactly awake for 24 hours now,
i have this feeling;
that tonight,
is gonna be yet another sleepless night.

I'm Not Moving.

2008-10-31T17:16:00.002+08:00

these few days,
my mood seems to have totally fell to rock bottom.

wish i could just get out;
whether to work,
or just head out.
i just wanna keep myself occupied,
and my mind off things i shouldn't be thinking about.

haven't even really started preparing,
for tomorrow morning's paper.

physically,
i seems to be slipping with my mood.
no matter how many hours i try to sleep,
i still feel really tired.
not much appetite,
plus the constant throwing up again.
was a little taken aback,
when i threw up yesterday;
and there was a lotta blood;
a lot more than usual.

"i'm scared,
having to face the long and winding road ahead;
all alone.
it seems so bleak,
with thousands and thousands of unknown.

i wish i could scream for you;
i really wish i could."

how long more,
must i go on;
pretending to be so strong all the time?

Looking At You.

2008-10-31T00:50:00.001+08:00

"you make me,
feel more and more disappointed;
in you."

You Don't Know.

2008-10-30T01:25:00.003+08:00

the moment i got off at amk station,
memories flooded right back;
outta control.

it got even worse when i stepped into amk hub.
tears filled up in my eyes;
right to the brim.
it was so hard to blink them away.

it's precisely this reason,
i've avoided going near that place for the past 3 months plus.

cause there's just too much memories.
far too much to bear.

i wanna be better.
i just wanna be better.
but why does it hafta be so hard?
why?

no matter how much i told myself,
not to pin any hope.
but i still did.
and what did i earn?
nothing,
other than loads of disappointment, unhappiness and tears.

i stayed up,
waiting.
and ended up,
crying my eyes out.

ended up having only about 3 hours plus of sleep,
i left for my paper.
and obviously,
i couldn't concentrate at all.
the tiredness just wouldn't stop eating into me,
and the sadness just simply refuse to rest.

so i simply rushed through my paper;
dumping in every shyt that i could remember,
and left half an hour earlier;
without even giving a second thought about checking through.
so not something that i'll do;
especially not during exams.
but still,
i did.
i just couldn't care more.

i seriously hate this weak monster that's taking over me.

"you're on my heart;

just like a tattoo.

has the promise made at 17;

really became just a moment of wishful thinking?"

Miles Away.

2008-10-28T23:12:00.002+08:00

11 hours more to er paper.

it's gonna be so much worse than finance.
cause i ponned like almost half of the lectures for this module.
plus the fact that i'm always late for the remaining lectures that i attended;
arriving at least half an hour late for the lectures,
or arriving only in time to attend the last half an hour of the lectures.
plus the fact that even if i attended the lecture,
i never listen to anything he said;
either doddling away on my lecture notes,
dozing off,
playing nad's word search,
talking,
or simply just sitting outside the lecture hall - "chilling out".
how the hell to pass like that?!

so please wish me luck.
and please pray for me.
i'll be needing it so much more.

"i keep wondering,
if you'll message,
and wish me good luck again?

i really really really wish you will.
but at the same time,
i have this feeling you wouldn't.

i don't want to be putting in so much hope,
i shouldn't.

is this considered greedy?"

No Other Way.

2008-10-28T14:02:00.001+08:00

seriously;
why am i so dumb?

why must i make a move,
that caused myself to be so upset?

"baby,
i miss the way we used to be;
really."

paper's tomorrow;
and i still have a lot undone.

i gotta stay focus.
i gotta be strong.
i gotta hold the tears.

you over emotions;
remember.
you over emotions.

Don't Make It So Hard.

2008-10-28T11:11:00.000+08:00

Happy 20th Birthday Waifong!
"mushroom! how does it feel to hit the BIG 2?! haha! sorry i didn't plan any birthday surprise or celebration this year; papers' dates too close this week. hope you understand. at most i make it up with a kiss tomorrow kay? i'm sure this will be so much more valuable than any celebration or surprise! hahahaha!
anyway, just wanna say a really big thank you for always being there for me and keeping all my secrets for me. love you!
have a good year ahead! and hope andy and you will last a lifetime together!
ps: make sure you look at me enough when we see each other before exam period is over! don't start complaining and missing me so much during the holidays. you know how i always go MIA after exams; as usual. haha!"

2008-10-27T23:37:00.003+08:00

seriously,
i don't think i'm the only one who's feeling so stressed up.

this was what happened when my 5 years old nephew,
was asked to do his abacus homework.

the "ritual" dance he performs after he got each question right.

and the celebration dance after he finished all the sums.

if you didn't catch what he was saying in the two videos,
his song goes like this -
"oh baby, oh baby, oh yea, oh yea."
damn obscene i know!
gosh!
kids these days!
ROFL!

2008-10-27T22:44:00.000+08:00

2 papers this week.
employment relations on wednesday,
and prices and market on saturday.

comparatively,
i need so much more focus and concentration this week.
yet i'm failing terribly.
i haven't even completed 1 topic for wednesday's paper,
and i'm supposed to study 5.

that what i hate about having to stay at home;
not working or going out.
it makes me temperamental.
it makes me cry a lot.
it makes me unable to sleep at night.

"you would tell me that -
i needa stay focus on my papers.
you would tell me that -
i need control my emotions instead of emotions over me.

i know;
but it's really hard.
especially with the stress level this high;
i can't help but to break down so often.

if i were to ask you -
if you would want me to be away in melbourne for a year.
what will your answer be?"

if i had a choice;
i wish i could be dependent on someone again.
cause i'm tired of being the superwoman;
i just wanna be me.

i miss wenli so much.
:[

Cause You're Just A Boy.

2008-10-27T01:23:00.000+08:00

with the absence of booze and dancing,
i still had a crazy night!
like running in the opposite direction on the travelator at vivo,
and frantic snapping of stupid pictures at keppel bay.
will upload the pictures when i've gotten the entire series!

i have this extremely bad feeling.
about what i can't really go into detail here.
but people always say women's intuition is always right?
i really really really hope not.
"cause once i lose my trust in you,
you're prolly never gonna gain it back."

i feel really taken for granted at times.
just because i don't flare up,
it doesn't mean that i don't have a temper.
so don't try pushing your luck too far.

i feel really invisible some times.
just because i don't show,
it doesn't means that it's no longer affecting me.
so stop being so insensitive.

"looking at the christmas decorations slowly being put up along orchard road,
i can't help but have tears welling up in my eyes.
we've spent 3 christmas together,
yet this year,
i'll hafta spend it alone.
i cannot imagine the loneliness, sadness and tears that will be flooding me then.

2005's christmas was the most memorable christmas i've spent with you.
though we were yet an item then,
but we were behaving like one.
you came over for christmas party over at my place;
though you didn't know any of my friends,
you still stayed throughout and kept me company.
then we went suntec in the evening.
had marche for dinner,
went sky terrace to chit chat,
and watched cronicles of narnia.
though simple,
but i remember how happy we both were;
back then.
and i remembered how deeply we were into each other;
back then.

baby,
i miss you."

dear santa,
if i promise to be a good girl from now on,
will you fulfill my wish?
i wanna spend all the coming christmas with MLBF again.
please?

Way Back Then.

2008-10-26T04:29:00.001+08:00

happy 21st joanna!
"loves! :]"

looking at alicia;
i feel that i'm seeing a reflection of myself.
really really really wish that i could do something to make her feel better;
words of consolation or advices or whatever.
but i seems to be trapped in a somewhat similar situation as her,
what kinda good advices can i possibly provide?
and how can i possibly console her when i can't even console myself most of the time?

keeping thinking about the decision to go melbourne these few days.
maybe it's is the desperate wanting to make a fresh start.

"it's good to be able to be around you again,
though just casually,
though just as friends.
but at least it's an improvement;
from complete strangers.

you seems to have changed quite a bit,
but at the same time,
i feel the same kinda familiarity when i'm near you,
makes me want so much more,
makes me wanna be so much closer,
but i persistently shook off that greediness.

seeing you wear that watch,
and using the wallet,
you don't know how happy i was feeling deep down within.
i don't wanna be thinking too deep into it,
but just glad that they are of use to you.

you seems to be doing prettay well without me;
all happy and unaffected.
i'm really really really happy for you,
i swear.
though i can't stop that throbbing pain where it wouldn't stop beating.
though it makes me feel all pathetic about myself comparatively.

whatever it is,
i'm really really really happy to be able to see you today.
cause i miss you;
real bad,
i can't deny.

i overruled my emotions today;
instead of emotions over me.
you should be proud of me.

i wanna fall head over heels in love with you,
all over again.
and i wish you would fall head over heels in love with me,
all over again.
maybe?
i don't know.
only time will tell.
i'm leaving it to fate."

The Heart That Beats For You.

2008-10-25T02:30:00.000+08:00

finance paper down.
but...
sigh.

i was like fringgin nervous,
even before the paper started.
everyone seems to know so much more than i do,
i'm like totally clueless about everything;
i kept asking them questions,
yet i just can't seems to get whatever they say into my brains.

it was so much worse when the paper started;
i totally freaked out.
blanked-out so many times;
unable to figure the answers to so many of the questions,
even when i've practiced the same kinda questions so many times.
i almost didn't have enough time to complete the paper.

to make things worse,
i hafta drop my formula sheet,
which flew a distance away;
i had to get the invigilator to get it.
then just when she turned and walked away,
i dropped my ic,
which also landed beyond my reach,
and i had to get another invigilator to get it.

to think that i'm majoring in finance.
to think that i was pending on getting high distinction for finance.

:[

"the moment i sat at my designated seat for the paper,
this question started repeatedly flooding my mind -
'can i really do it,
now that you're no longer here with me?'
and i immediately knew the answer,
when i ran back to my bag,
and looked at your good luck message stored on my phone.

i still need you here with me.
i still want you here with me.

you said -
'control your emotions instead of your emotions over you.'
i tried.
and am still trying.
really.
but i'm sorry i'm such a letdown ~~some times~~ most of the time;
to you,
and to myself."

should i go melbourne?

Tired Of People Asking.

2008-10-23T22:17:00.003+08:00

15 hours more,
and i'll be meeting my doom.

wish me good luck.
pray for me.

i'll be needing those;
real bad.

Fall Back In Love With You.

2008-10-23T13:23:00.004+08:00

totally broke down ~~last night~~ this morning.
i cried uncontrollably;
wetting my entire pillow.
i screamed and brawled into my pillow;
as if it had done me wrong.

only managed to really settle myself down,
and slowly fell asleep at 4 plus am.
then there i was at 7 plus,
wide awake.
then at 8 plus,
and 9 plus too.
so i gave up trying to fall asleep,
dragging myself outta bed at 10 plus.

looking into the mirror,
i realised i was rewarded with the classic goldfish eyes;
yet again.
but it's a sight that i've more or less got used to.

it's been some time since i behaved this way;
emotions totally beyond control,
tears totally unstoppable,
and totally unable to sleep or eat well.

i don't know what have gotten into me,
just really depressed i guess.

first paper's tomorrow.
i seriously don't know how i'm gonna handle it;
with absolutely no mood,
with absolutely no concentration,
and absolutely no energy.
i don't wanna flop my paper,
yet i just can't seems to pull myself up.

"you don't know how much i'm dying to tell you -

baby.
i love you;
so much.

baby.
i miss you;
so bad."

i'm sorry;
i'm just not the comfortable with sharing kind.
so please don't ask me to talk to you.

Forever Was In Your Eyes.

2008-10-22T17:18:00.003+08:00

when stress gets the better of me;
the tears just wouldn't stop flowing,
the memories just wouldn't stop flooding.

on the outside,
i'm looking as though i have everything.
but on the inside,
i'm completely empty.

i wanna just cry out loud.
i wanna just ask for a really big hug.
but then the questions start coming;
to who?
from who?

MLBF?
the M from the term disappeared,
and we're like complete strangers now.
so i can't.

family?
i don't wanna be getting mum worried.
so i can't.
dad's totally outta question,
he's not the i-will-listen-to-your-problems-and-advise-you-what-to-do type.
so i can't.
things between me and sis never patch up since the last time;
though we're no longer quarelling,
but there just seems to be this gap that can't seems to be bridged.
i miss her,
i can't deny.
i wish she could be here with me,
i can't deny.
i wish we could go back to the way we used to be,
i can't deny.
but neither of us is willing to take the first step;
cause i'm stubborn,
and she's even worse.
so i can't.

friends?
i don't like to be bothering them;
when they have their own things to worry about as well.
plus who would like to listen to the same shyt all the time?
so i can't.

even my dogs run away from me when they see me cry.
how more pathetic can i be?

i'm just nobody in everybody's eyes.
all alone.
and it gets me wondering;
why the hell am i still living?

i'm really depressed.

don't talk to me.

Screwed.

2008-10-21T23:32:00.001+08:00

mandy refuse to get diet pills for me.
:[
nevermind,
i'll find other means to get hold of it.

first paper on friday;
yet i still can't totally concentrate on my revision.
loads of other stuff in mind,
loads of other stuff to be done.
i feel tons and tons and tons of stress building up.

"i wish you were here with me.
i need you here with me.

baby,
can i dream of you tonight?"

i feel like going plane-watching.

Don't Walk Out On Me.

2008-10-20T16:19:00.000+08:00

you fucking dumb girl!

he has already moved so far ahead.
he is really really really happy now.
so why are you stil standing at the same bloody spot?!
turning and turning and turning around.

move will you?!
even just a tinny winny little step!
move will you?!
move!

i hate myself.

2008-10-20T04:07:00.002+08:00

"i dreamt of you last ~~night~~ morning;
again.

that familiar gentleness in your eyes,
that familiar warmth in your hug;
do you know how badly i was wishing,
i could fall asleep with that dream forever?

it felt so real;
really really really real.
cause in the dream,
i actually remembered that i had to work later on that day.
and i kept telling myself that if that hug was gonna last,
i really didn't mind not going to work,
even if i had to risk losing my job.

i don't know if i should be glad to be dreaming about you;
so often.
cause the extent that i'm affected,
can only be described with two words -
very badly.
but on the other hand,
it might be a good thing;
cause you seems to be unknowingly encouraging me through these dreams;
constantly reminding me to be strong.
and through these encouragements;
i find my only source of strength to go on.

i know how pathetic and desperate these all sounds like a self-consolation.
but i just wanna make myself feel better;
i just wanna be better.

baby,
i miss you;
so so so bad.
so much more than you know,
so much more than i know.
this i can't deny;
no matter how hard i try to hide and wipe it all off my face.
i miss you."

i'll keep trying,
i'll keep trying,
i'll keep trying,
to be better.

don't cry,
don't cry,
don't cry.

I Walk A Thousand Miles.

2008-10-18T02:35:00.003+08:00

she's my single khaki!
to think about it,
i've been meeting her for 11 consecutive days already!
since last wednesday!
gosh!
so to my single khaki -
"shawn is gay! gay is shawn! LOL!
anyway, just wanna say, thanks for hanging out with me so often recently; being crazy with me and all! you really added a lotta fun into my life. thanks a million! loves!
i'm not les! so don't worry. haha! even if i am, i wouldn't fall for you! cause you're taken by braces already! you're so so so gonna kill me! hahahaha!"

the best pick-up line that i got today -
'can i drop an application to be your fling?'
wtf?!
i really should have replied him the way nana suggested;
'sorry, but the application is closed. and it'll never be open for you.'
haha!

i wanna take diet pills!
i wanna go drinking!
i wanna club!
i wanna get my scuba diving license!
i wanna get a car!
i wanna sleep for an entire day!
i wanna have a lotta money without having to work!
i wanna go for a shopping spree!
i wanna pass my exams with flying colours without studying!

i'm crazy!
i'm depressed.

"if only i can hate you;
it'll be easier to forget,
it'll be easier to get over,
it'll be easier to move on.

but i just can't.
so i can only hate myself."

Nothing More To Say.

2008-10-17T01:23:00.002+08:00

sometimes you think you're over a guy.
but when you see him just smile at you,
you suddenly realise,
you're just pretending to be over him.
just to ease the pain,
of knowing that he'll never be yours,
again.

"baby,
is this what you're trying to tell me?"

I Wanted You.

2008-10-16T13:59:00.000+08:00

i dreamt of him for two consecutive nights.

the night before -
i dreamt that i saw him draw a lotta pictures of me,
and he said he miss me.

but people say dreams are always the opposite of reality.

last night -
i dreamt that he smsed to ask me to go over to have dinner with his parents,
because they miss me.
then i happen to bump into him.
he was all drank,
but i managed to stay by his side to keep him company and take care of him.

but people say dreams are always the opposite of reality.

"i love to have dreams of you;
cause those are the only times i get to see you.

but i hate dreaming of you just as much;
cause not only do i hafta wake up;
reliving the pain that you're no longer here with me.
i also hafta spend a huge amount of effort to convince myself;
that they are only dreams.
just like this morning,
when i woke up umpteen times;
just to flip open my phone and check if you really did sms me.
and when i couldn't find any of your messages in my inbox,
i even search through the folder where i store your messages;
thinking that i must have moved your message into the folder already.

wenli said dreams are reflections of things which have been going through your mind.

i must have been missing you;
so much so much so much more than i dare to admit.

baby,
i miss you."

Turn Around.

2008-10-15T02:48:00.001+08:00

i'm really really really tired;
physically,
mentally,
and emotionally.

exams are just round the corner,
and i haven't started my revision at all!
it's definitely not helping when;
i've so much on my mind,
too many other stuffs to do and settle,
and i'm scheduled for work almost every other day.

i just wish i could be a little more selfish sometimes;
to think about myself more,
and stop worrying about others so much.
but i just can't;
i guess i'm naturally borned as a worryhead.

i need more energy.
i need more concentration.
i need more discipline.

i need to be strong!

"it's exactly 3 months;
since you left.

but i'm still desperately wishing;
i could be running to you for some form of comfort,
during times like these.

and you're still the only reason;
i keep myself going."

i needa stop.

Only You.

2008-10-13T23:41:00.002+08:00

there are those days;
that i just can't seems to find any reasons to be strong.

and today;
is one of those days.

it's so simple;
wanting to love just that one guy your entire life.
yet so difficult;
to fulfill this simplicity.

"i really really really wanted to only love you;
for the rest of my life."

i should stop thinking.

i really really really needa study!

Will Never Be Understood.

2008-10-12T23:59:00.002+08:00

clubbing at dbl o last night spells only one word -
F U N!

minus the drank part;
cause i wasn't even i tinny winny bit high no matter how many drinks i tried to down.
i really went like wild and crazy!
it was the dancing that got me really high instead of the drinks.
haha!

gotta know a couple of guys.
haha!
but i only want my strips polo tee desmond!
damn sad!
but at least i gotta chance to dance with him.
so self consolation can?!
haha!

it kinda help to go out and have fun like that.
i should really go out more often.

SHAWN IS GAY!
GAY IS SHAWN!

hahahahahaha!

"there was only this one ocassion last night,
that got me so close to breaking down;
because of you.
with tears already welled up in my eyes,
i took so much effort to shake them off.
but at least it only occurred once,
which i thought is an improvment already.

i will try harder;
to be better.
to be stronger.
you'll see a different me;
real soon.
i promise.

i don't know if your new semester starts tomorrow as well.
but if it does,
i hope you'll have a good semester ahead of you;
with everything going well and smooth.
jia you for all your projects, assignments, tests and exams kay?
you can do it!
i'll be praying for you.

loves."

Only On The Outside.

2008-10-11T04:35:00.002+08:00

to slowly let go;
is the only way that i can release myself.
that's what wenli told me;
and i guess i should start doing that.

i wanna believe that one day i'll be truly happy again,
though it will prolly take some time;
how long i'm not sure.
but ultimately,
i'm sure it will happen.
maybe he'll be the source of my happiness again,
or maybe it'll be someone else.
i don't know.
i don't wanna think about it either.

for now,
i shall start learning to enjoy my singlehood;
with the same kinda attitude i possess at work -
i don't need the men!
i'm sure i'll do just fine;
strong and independent.

well.
for a start,
my definition of enjoying singlehood will be -
have loads and loads of fun!
go really really wild and crazy!
and have many many guys!
opps!
haha!
but nothing serious for me at the moment of course;
i'm kinda suffering from guy plus relationship phobia.
so i'll guess i'll just remain single;
but not available.

clubbing at dbl o tomorrow!
super looking forward!
long time since i really clubbed.
cheers to being drunk, crazy and wild!
whoo!

it was d&d at island ballroom ~~tonight~~ yesterday night,
and they got kumar for their entertainment show.
he said something which goes like this -
"most of the people working in shangri-la are from china.
so you better don't make them angry.
especially the girls.
if not they'll squeeze their milk (with the squeezing of the breast action) and poison you."
seriously ROFL!
but putting myself in the china staffs' shoes,
i'll prolly be f-ing angry.
but too bad i'm not from china!
so LMAO!
:X

is there a way to slim down without your boobs getting smaller?!
cause mine seems to be deflating!
i'm sorry i hafta be saying this on world wide web.
but it's seriously happening to me!

"baby,
i really really really hope everything in your life will go smoothly for you.
and like i've been saying;
be safe, be happy, be healthy.
find someone who'll love you the way you want her to;
i'll be really happy for you,
i promise.

you'll always have a very special place in my heart.
and i'll always miss you.
remember that.

bye bye."

why am i crying?
i shouldn't be.

if you know me well enough,
you'll know that i'm actually feeling the worst,
when i'm being and acting all crazy;
just to shake off the tears,
just to suppress the sorrows.

so can i cry now?

It's Always Difficult; Saying Goodbye.

2008-10-10T01:38:00.003+08:00

i seriously feel like an idiot;
a very big one in fact.

"i just wanted a chance to start it all over;
even just as friends.

at least it's better than strangers,
at least it's better than now.

but you just wouldn't let me.
why be so unfair to me?!

baby,
it's time to give up isn't it?"

i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.

can i really do it?
i can't.

You Make It So Hard To Breathe.

2008-10-09T03:06:00.000+08:00

feeling super duper unwell these few days.
the constant throwing up after food;
makes me really really really afraid to eat.

i'm not anorexic!

so many nights like tonight;
where i feel damn sick,
but there's no one here with me.
can't tell mum;
cause i had her worrying enough.
but i really wish there was somebody who would tuck me into bed,
and stay right beside me to take care of me and make sure i'm alright.
no one.
no longer.

"you don't care at all;
don't you?"

i wish i could just disappear;
vanish from the surface of this earth.

No One; But You.

2008-10-06T23:58:00.000+08:00

bestie dropped by to accompany me for my lunch break today,
and brought along a milk chocolate mini fingers from marks & spencers.
:]
"thanks a million bestie. for taking time just to give me a hug. i'll be fine. so don't hafta worry about me alright? loves."

have been constantly throwing up after eating or drinking;
again.
and i'm finding blood in my spits;
again.
plus the frequent black-outs that i've been experiencing.
i don't wanna see a doctor.
:[

exams are just around the corner.
yet i haven't even started preparing;
not even a bit.
i don't have the mood and concentration to start either.
:[

"gotta go through this entire exam preparation and period without you here with me;
your encouraging words, hugs and kisses when i'm super stressed up,
and your good luck wishes and kisses right before my papers.
i really don't know if i can do it.

my heart just can't rest;
cause i miss you,
so so so damn bad."

At The Edge.

2008-10-05T23:59:00.000+08:00

only managed to reach home at 4 plus am this morning.
immediately climbed into bed after a shower knowing that i'll hafta drag myself up at 1030am to head to work.
but i just simply couldn't fall asleep at all.
tossed around till almost 6am before i managed to really fall asleep,
but the less than 5 hours of sleep which i was left with wasn't a really rewarding one either.
i practically woke up for at least 10 times throughout the less than 5 hours duration.

too much flashblacks occupied my mind.
from the moment i broke down at loading bay all of a sudden,
to the things ah chua said to me,
to the moment when i saw him dead drunk,
to the time when i was sobbing furiously on joanne's legs in tingsin's van,
all the way to the stuff rachel, joanne and joanna were trying to put across my mind.

rachel said something last night which was really true;
my heart is dead,
it died the very day he left,
causing me to feel nothing else now,
other than all the emotions concerning him.
thus,
i simply refuse to allow any other guys to come near me;
returning them with cold replies once i know they're toeing the line.
for someone who's easily swayed by guys being nice to me,
for someone who has always been so dependent on other people,
for someone who requires so much companionship,
i shock myself with this way that i'm behaving.

i guess this 2 years plus relationship together with this breakup have made me grown so much -
through this relationship,
i've learnt to love someone so wholeheartedly;
till the point that i'm not at all willing to sacrifice even a tinny winny place in my heart to fill someone else in.
since this breakup,
i've learnt to slowly become independent;
keeping the weaknesses only to myself,
and roaming around outside alone more often than not.

i feel myself falling back into depression mode;
not because of the things that happened this morning.
it's been this way for a few days.
not eating,
not sleeping well,
tears welling up in my eyes because of the slightest thing,
and survivng only on my c diet.
so unknowingly,
i lost weight again;
1 kg which i gained back recently,
plus another 1 kg on top of that.
so i'm currently 54kg,
which makes me fall 1 kg below my ideal.
it kinda scares me.

"seeing you in that dead drunk state last night really made my heart ache.
wish i could be there by your side to accompany you and take care of you;
but am no longer in the position.

i know you go all out to avoid me as much as possible.
but i really don't want you to be torturing and hurting yourself in the process of that.
just let me know;
i'll disappear and avoid you instead.
i rather it be this way than seeing you in such pain the way you were this morning again.

pathetic;
i know.

at how well you're leading your life now;
you can laugh at me for all you want.
but i just can't help being so silly;
when it comes to you.

i'm sorry."

i know i gotta get outta this hole.
but am i willing to get outta this hole?
am i ever able to get outta this hole?

I'm Yours.

2008-10-04T03:28:00.002+08:00

"seeing you getting on so well with life,
i really am happy;
happy for you at least.

for the very very very last time -
i love you."

i really should start setting myself free;
shouldn't i?

Nothing Left.

2008-10-03T00:49:00.001+08:00

WAKE UP WILL YOU?!

THE MIRACLE THAT YOU'RE WAITING FOR WILL NEVER HAPPEN!

SO STOP BEING SO FUCKING DUMB!
SO STOP BEING SO FUCKING PATHETIC!
SO STOP BEING SO FUCKING USELESS!
SO STOP BEING SO FUCKING WEAK!

ALL YOU'RE DOING IS ONLY MAKING YOURSELF SO DAMN MISERABLE!

CAUSE YOU'RE NOTHING TO HIM!
NOTHING AT ALL!

SO WAKE UP WILL YOU?!

2008-10-02T01:55:00.001+08:00

for the past 2 months plus,
i've always been afraid when the 1st and 15th of the month approaches.
hafta be sure that i make plans beforehand to keep myself occupied for these two days;
cause i'm sure that i'll prolly cry till my eyes pop out if i were to stay home.

so,
a really really big thank you to the shang gang for spending ~~today~~ yesterday with me.
though it was just a casual outing and not me being the reason that this was planned,
but still,
i hafta thank them for keeping me occupied.
:]

got a ~~new~~ repeated piercing but just on a different ear with michelle, joanne and joanna today.
it's funny how we decide one after another to do it.
haha.
will prolly pierce my tongue next.
mum said better not,
but she didn't say no.
so i guess that means she's agreeable?
haha.

"because i love you;
i let you go.
but i just can't seems to set myself free;
knowing how badly i still miss you, love you, and want you back deep within.

i pushed myself to the limit;
to be strong and independent.
starting all over again from scratch;
learning how to lead my life,
without you.

i drain every single bit of energy that's in me,
try really hard to shake off the tears with a smile,
and constantly remind myself that you would want me to be strong.
yet,
i can barely make it through each day.

it's gonna be such a long journey ahead.
i really don't know how much further beyond limit i can continue to push myself.
i'm tired.
i'm scared.
i don't wanna go on anymore.
can i?"

i really wish;
i would be better in time.

Can't Take Away.

2008-10-01T02:08:00.003+08:00

"希望心跳能够停止;
这样才能够不再想起你,
这样才能够不再感觉到痛.

你到底是带着什么心情离开?
为什么能够头也不回;
多看我一眼?

好累.

happy 33 months anniversary my love!
i love you;
truckloads!
muacks!

i really really really wish i could still say that to you;
really."

Denial.

2008-09-30T01:33:00.000+08:00

f1's over;
like finally.
it was a really torturous 3 days;
though i hafta admit that i had a lotta fun too.
too much details for 3 days to be put into words;
so this is it.

"there were so many moments during these 3 days;
that had me so close to breaking down.
so wish that you were there with me.
or at the least contactable;
for me to rant,
and provide me with some comforting and encouraging words that will get me moving again.
but none;
nothing at all.
all i could do is to look at your face plastered to my wallpaper;
and tell myself that you would want me to be strong.

yesterday,
when i was told that you were coming;
my mind instantly went blank.
was really happy;
but nervous and scared at the same time;
losing all the concentration that i totally needed to survive the rest of my day at work.
no matter how much i hide;
deep down inside i know how much i yearn to see you.
but at the same time so afraid.
yet,
still couldn't help it but feel so upset and disappointed when you didn't turn up in the end.

it seems like i don't know what i want anymore.
or maybe it's not that;
just that i know it's impossible for me to get what i want.
so...

i still miss you;
so much.
i still love you;
so bad."

i don't like complications;
so don't make things confusing for me.

Keep Mum.

2008-09-25T02:20:00.000+08:00

woke up in the middle of the last night;
endless coughing,
totally outta breath.
for a moment;
i really thought i was gonna die.
:\

i'm starting to learn that -
there are some people in your life,
who will never be replaced;
no matter how much time have past.

"you seems to be doing really well without me.

i'm jealous;
cause i wish i could be doing half as well as you are.

i'm hurt;
cause it shows how un-important i've always been to you.

hope you did well for exams.

and you'll definitely be one of those people in my life;
irreplacable."

gotta pack up all my emotions,
and prepare myself physically and mentally for f1.
at least 16 hours a day for 3 days;
it's gonna be draining for the mind and body.

but tell me about that;
who haven't had a single off day since last thursday,
and will only be having an off day next wednesday.
13 days of non-stop work marathon;
i don't seems to know how tired is spelt anymore.

Reminisce Every Moment.

2008-09-22T01:04:00.003+08:00

the marriage -
that seems to be broken;
to the point of no return.

i don't want anything to happen.
but there's absolutely nothing;
nothing that i can do.
totally helpless.

i'm really really really afraid.
i don't wanna be alone.
i just want someone to be here with me.
but like always,
there's always nobody;
just me with myself.

i feel my entire world;
slowly collapsing.

Crushed.

2008-09-21T05:26:00.000+08:00

knowing some things yourself is one thing;
but having someone say it to your face is another.

something i learnt from a movie -
sharing the bad moments with someone you love;
make things only half as bad.
sharing the happy moments with some you love;
makes the happiness double up.

"no wonder bad times seems so much less bearable these days,
and i don't feel so happy anymore.

imu;
so bad"

no longer know what to do.
i feel myself heading in the wrong direction all the time.

And The Cries Goes Unheard.

2008-09-19T03:19:00.000+08:00

as time pass;
people eventually starts to forget that you have hurt,
and they ain't aware that you are still hurting.

that's why no matter how hard i try to search,
i still find myself all alone;
having only me with me.

"to me;
you're gradually becoming,
the most familiar stranger."

i just can't seems to get a wink of sleep tonight.

In My Heart.

2008-09-18T23:26:00.002+08:00

so i slammed my cupboard door against my baby finger yesterday.
and banged into something at work today earning myself another blue-black slightly below my hip.
i assume i'll prolly slipped and fall while working in shang tomorrow then.

it just keeps getting worse.

"if all these misfortunes in my life;
could exchange for your happiness, good health and safety.
i have no complains."

if tears had feelings;
they'll prolly be whining;
about being tired of having to roll down my eyes every now and then.

i'm just unsure of how much further i can go on.

Follow Your Heart.

2008-09-18T00:42:00.000+08:00

cooked myself macaroni with campbell soup for dinner earlier.

that was the last meal i ever cooked for him.
it was a saturday afternoon;
and he was rushing off from my place to attend his secondary school dinner.
that was also the last time i saw him;
as his girlfriend.

i remember the first time i cooked campbell soup for him.
he had this really contended look on his face;
though i guess it was prolly because he was starving.
but it made me have this extremely sense of satisfaction -
that there were still these little things which i can do to make him happy.
:]

i remember the times we used spend at our hideout.
we used to take turns to get up earlier to cook curry maggie for lunch;
till the point that he started cheating and refusing to wake up,
saying that we'll just eat out instead,
so slowly it became me who got up earlier everytime to cook.
yet he complained about the maggie i cook;
about how i didn't wash the vegetables properly,
and how there were ants in the soup.
but still;
he eventually learn to love the curry maggie i cook.
:]

i remember the times where he drove a great distance;
just to bring me to places where he felt sold good food,
no matter how late it was,
or how much he was clueless of the directions there.
punggol nasi lemak,
hougang sum lou hor fun,
geylang ba chou mee (which i complained so much about just because he didn't tell me it's mee soup!),
and holland village katong laksa (my favourite!).
:]

sweet memories these will always be;
but yet so painful at the same time.

"these memories;
just too painful to bear.

i've tried so hard to stop them from flooding back;
avoiding the places we used to go together,
prevent doing the things we used to go as one,
and exhausting myself to the point that i've nothing left to give.

but ultimately;
even such a small deed of cooking myself dinner,
could bring back so much memories.

i've tried so hard to suppress the urge to wanna see you,
to wanna talk to you;
working the soul outta myself just to shake the thought off,
keeping my phone as far from me as possible,
and refusing to sign in to msn.

but at the end of the day;
i just find myself staring at your photo,
crying and talking at the same time.
till the tears make my eye lids so heavy that they eventually close.

even though i've never ever tried hard enough to pick myself up,
i've tried my best to pretend to be alright;
cause that's just what everyone wants to see.

but all these tryings;
are draining every ounce of energy left in me.

where are you?"

left all alone;
i find myself wandering around outside alone,
more often than not.

i'm just pure silly;
ain't i?

i'm just rambling.

Right Here.

2008-09-16T00:00:00.004+08:00

i don't know what is wrong with me these days.

it's either i experience;
headache,
migraine,
or giddiness.

and i keep;
losing my balance,
banging into stuff;
which explains the new blue-black on my right hip in addition to the already existing one on my left,
tripping,
or falling;
which gave me two new blue-blacks on both my knee caps as well as bruises on my elbow and palm today.

am i sick or something?
:[

"bad happenings seems to be occuring around me without fail everyday.
or is it that things have became less bearable without you by my side?

i miss you."

i haven catch a movie in the longest time ever.
:[

Tomorrow Is Just A Step Away.

2008-09-15T01:50:00.007+08:00

WHY?
WHY?
WHY?
WHY?
WHY?

"it's been 2 months;
yet i'm not a tinny winny bit over you.
but i see traces of me;
slowly disappearing from your life.

i carved your name on my heart;
so deeply.
and i safely kept it in a locket.

do you know how much i wish you were here?
baby..."

i need big hugs;
real badly.

*SCREAMS SCREAMS SCREAMS

Hate This Feeling.

2008-09-14T02:12:00.003+08:00

too much unhappiness in just a day alone.

if only there's something that i can do for everyone;
to bring back their big sunshine again.
anything;
anything at all.

depressed;
still.

the fringgin migraine is eating into me.

"imu."

Make Things Better.

2008-09-13T01:15:00.002+08:00

didn't have the intention to blog ~~tonight~~ this morning.
but i guess with this much that i'm containing;
insomia sets in,
and i really needa rant it all out.

this malay lady who used to work at tangs' chanel counter;
lost her husband.
no one is sure if he's dead;
though of course everyone's hoping that he's still alive.
afterall he's still 26 and just a father to his one month old daughter.
but missing admist the sea for 3 days;
we all know the chances.
but whatever it is;
we should all pray for a miracle.

my colleague is now a mistress of a married man with 4 daughters.
she's not directly ruining the marriage of this man;
though indirectly.
the point is;
i can see that she's learning to love this man a lot.
and for him;
she's exposing this side of her that i've never seen.
but this is exactly what is worrying me;
cause we never know where this sorta relationship will lead to.
but that risk she's exposing herself to,
is far far far too much;
it's like jumping into a bottomless pit.
though all she wants;
is just simplicity through all these complexity.

it's always during times like that,
that i wish i could do something for everyone.
anything;
just to take away a little of their pain,
or make them feel a little better.
but nothing;
so helpless.

depressed.

"i...
you...

no longer able to put it into words.

won't you just say something to me?
anything.
anything to take away all these awful emotions.

i miss you."

*SCREAMS

The Countless Tears.

2008-09-11T18:06:00.002+08:00

why does every today;
hafta become yesterday?

"i really really really wish;
i could go back to the yesterday,
where you were still here with me.

i miss you;
so much."

You.

2008-09-10T00:11:00.004+08:00

the same day last year;
i managed to wake up from a nightmare.

the same day this year however;
i'm trapped in yet another nightmare.

surrounded by darkness,
i can't seems to catch a glimpse of light;
that will wake me up from this horrifying dream.
i'm lost.

"my little darling angels;
happy birthday.

i'll be there at the same spot;
to celebrate this special day with you two later tonight.

loves."

My Picture Perfect.

2008-09-08T18:47:00.004+08:00

considering the option of going to melbourne to complete my last year;
again.

"i remember 2 years back;
when i told you my mum have the intention of sending me to switzerland after my A's,
you didn't say 'don't go'.
but through your eyes,
i could see how much your heart was yelling out 'don't go!'.
though all you just said was you'll always be here waiting.

i remember a few months back;
when i told you about the option of going to melbourne to complete my last year,
you didn't say 'don't go'.
all you say was 'is it necessary to go?',
and that very moment i knew i didn't wanna go.
cause i don't wanna be there all alone;
without you.

this time round;
will i still be able to see,
the same kinda sadness in your eyes?
will i still be able to feel,
how much you're longing to scream out;
'don't go!'?"

I Try And Try; So Hard.

2008-09-08T01:33:00.002+08:00

"i wish,
i wish,
i wish.

i'll be able to hear you say;
that you still miss me,
and that you still love me."

i'm so greedy;
am i not?

Don't Wanna Go On; Living All Alone.

2008-09-07T14:04:00.003+08:00

so much to say;
yet so indescribable.

tried to drown all the emotions with drinks last night,
but i just ended up feeling so much more miserable physically and emotionally;
with the never-ending throw-ups and the even harder crying.

"i no longer know what i should be doing.
tell me;
will you?"

still waiting.

Can't Take Away The Memories.

2008-09-03T02:08:00.004+08:00

to wenli and gary -
"thanks for constantly reminding me that the heavy rain will eventually go away, and that there'll be a real prettay rainbow awaiting me when the dark clouds clears. thanks a lot; really."

i wanna believe in that prettay rainbow which awaits me too;
but i can feel myself reaching my limit.

i find myself dying for some consolation.
but when i look around;
i realise i'm all alone.
because i'm afraid of bothering people.
because i'm afraid of getting them to hear the same things over and over again.
because i'm afraid of hearing what they hafta say.
because i'm afraid of seeing that disappointed and worried look on their faces when they know that i've yet to "recover".

because i'm so afraid...
thus i chose to pretend,
thus i chose to face it all alone.

but it's getting harder and harder to control the tears and the emotions;
to confine them until i'm well hidden in my room all alone,
late at night when everyone's face alseep.
cause they seems to be surfacing more often than not.

"i can pretend to be so strong in front of everyone;
but at the end of the day.
these lies i can never accept.

because i know how afraid i am;
without you here with me,
i can't find the strength to carry on.

i need your words.
i need your promises.
i need your hugs.
i need your kisses.
i need you.

i'm so afraid;
of everything.

baby...
i'm really afraid..."

i find myself being driven to a corner;
not given an escape route.
yet trying so hard to run away;
because i'm so afraid...

Yesterday.

2008-09-01T02:23:00.004+08:00

like michelle;
i wish i could lose the ability to love someone.

因为像我们这样的爱；
好像对自己太残忍了.

也不知道哪天才会有结果，
也或许这一辈子都不可能让我们等到想要的.
可是自己却还是傻傻的,
努了地试了再试.
不管自己一次又一次;
跌得多重多痛,
还是不肯放弃.

charlene wrote in her blog saying -
'I always knew looking back at the cries would make me laugh,
but i never knew looking back at the laugh would make me cry.'
i truly agree.
cause it has never crossed my mind that sweet memories;
could be yet so painful at the same time.
but now,
i really understand how that feels.

"till now;
i still dare not honestly admit to those who are still unaware -
that it's over between us.
is this what they call,
'refusing to accept the fact'?
or is the hope of a miracle,
far too overwhelming?

yet however,
the occurance of this miracle;
seems to be slipping further and further away from me.

i'm really afraid;
but who can i tell to?

i miss you;
truckloads.
i love you;
so much still."

The Promises; That Were Once Made.

2008-09-01T00:00:00.001+08:00

to MLBF -
"happy 32 months anniversary my love! may there be many many many more anniversaries to come! i love you so much so much so much! muacks! :]"

"if only,
if only,
if only;
i can still say such things to you."

Denial.

2008-08-31T04:55:00.001+08:00

deeper and deeper;
the aching in my heart sinks.

"imu."

Destined.

2008-08-29T02:22:00.003+08:00

for the last time;
stop pushing me.

why must i always pretend to be so strong in front all of you?
why can't any of you accept the weak side of me?
why do all of you have to keep forcing me?
why won't any of you leave me alone?

i'm not a puppet;
i can't be controlled to behave in the way you all want me to be.
cause i have my own emotions running through me as well.

don't try pushing your luck too far.
till the point that i can no longer breathe;
i'll just leave everything behind,
and make myself disappear from the surface of this earth.

so please;
neither do i wanna say anything to anyone anymore.
nor do i wanna hear what anyone has to say anymore.
all i ask is to be left alone.

"whether is it the happy or unhappy moments;
you're always the first person that i wanna share them with.
no exception this time either.

really wish you were right here with me;
to wipe off all my tears,
give me a big warm ducky hug,
tell me -
"silly. it'll all tide over soon. everything will be alright. no more tears okay?",
and then plant a big wet ducky kiss on my lips,
giving me all the strength that i'll ever need;
to carry on again.

baby..."

exhausted;
really.

Understatement.

2008-08-28T01:22:00.002+08:00

dreamt of his dad last night.
he told me a lotta stuff.
though i can't exactly recall the content;
but i do remember that they were very comforting words.
:]

relationship is never about only 2 people.
cause if it is;
i prolly wouldn't be missing his family members so much as well.

i miss his parents-
they always make me feel like a part of the family;
always asking me to come along when they head out for dinner during special occasions.
and just by looking at the both of them;
i learnt that love is all about loving everything of your other half,
including all their flaws.

i miss his brothers-
they gave me the feeling of having 2 more brothers;
and taught me how to care for younger siblings.
most importantly;
they never fail to put a smile to my face from time to time,
especially the youngest brother.

i miss his grandparents-
they were always so hospitable;
always inviting me over for dinner at their place.
even till now;
they still insist on giving me a treat whenever i bump into them at the coffeeshop.

it's upset knowing that you might never have another chance to be part of a family like this.

"now that i'm left with nothing;
all i can carry with me now is faith-
the faith that our love for one another is strong;
strong enough to bring us through all obstacles.

i must have faith-
that this period of absence and distance;
will make our hearts grow fonder for one another,
not apart.
and that one day when we both know we're ready to love again;
we'll spend forever together.

but if all these is only me assuming things again;
then like you once told me during the initial stage of our relationship,
when you wanted to give me up-
"fly like a butterfly. be free."

my love for you;
can't be selfish,
only hoping for happiness for myself.
instead,
it should be selfless.
that as long as you're happy, safe and healthy;
no matter how much pain i'll be put through,
i know it's all worth it.

cause i love you."

I Wanna Be; The Reason For Your Happiness.